Short and Sweet

So little muffins, it’s been a while since I posted anything meaningful and this post shall be no different. Meaningless.

But short by my standards though so that’s good.

All those promised blog posts are yet to materialise due to being busy catching up with my Open Uni studies (why did I think this was a good idea again?!), numerous holidays, being back to full time at work and general life getting in the way. And by general life, I mean alternating between sleeping and watching RuPauls Drag Race.

I am now 12 weeks post pin pull. The swelling around the ‘new toots’ has subsided a fair bit but is still rather puffy and a little purple. With each passing week the pain has become less, although when I have stubbed them or caught them the pain has bought me to tears. Thank god for waterproof mascara. The best worst being when I went to step into my bath, didn’t bring my foot up high enough and smashed the toes on the side of the bath. The pain taking me by surprise so much I then proceeded to fall forwards towards the bath and fell in. Double whammy of pain and water getting splashed around the bathroom like an orca doing belly flops.

I am still slowly but surely trying to increase the amount that I walk and know that I need to focus on stairs a bit more (the rolling forward of the foot with toes touching the stair, still hurts). Set myself the daily target of 7,500 steps which is easier said than done when you’re office based. I’m not confident enough to start running again on them just yet because I think they’re going to smack in to the floor with such impact they’ll break. I could be being dramatic, but I suspect I’m not. Otherwise, the toes feel generally ok. They don’t feel like they’ve been flattened, the scarring has almost totally faded and I’m used to how they look. I am still wary to try on a normal pair of shoes though because I’m not emotionally ready enough to do this. Maybe I’ll wait until I’ve had the right foot done too I can wear a pair. During the immediate weeks after the op, and a few after the pin pull, I had doubts and regrets that it wasn’t worth it. I have to believe that it has been worth it, but only time will tell. Still only wearing trainers and my doc martens though. Looking forward to wearing something different (Please, Dr Roberts, if you read this, schedule my second op in soon. I promise I’ll behave this time.)

Being full time at work is exhausting. Lots of decisions to start making with regards to staying full time, going part time or leaving work altogether. It’s only money, right? I’m having to get up from my desk and have a little walk around roughly every 20 mins to stop my body seizing up. There’s only so many times you can get a cup of coffee or go to the toilet before people start thinking you’re a caffeine addict who can’t stop weeing. There’s only so much self-delusion I can try and kid myself with before I have to admit that both of the aforementioned statements are true. Despite being caffeine intolerant. That’s why I drink it so much. It makes me nuts. Shaky and nuts.

Also think I might have carpal tunnel which is high on the list of things I could do without and also on the list of things I thought only old grannies got. Yet another example of being 30 years old with the body of a 90-year-old. Although carpal tunnel could mean an operation and operation means time off work. So I’m cool with it. Does mean I have to continue my Ali G booyakasha impression to relieve the pain though which try as I might, I can’t make it look ironic.

I’m now three cosentyx injections to the good this year and they’re finally starting to kick in. No psoriasis, no inflammation, just the occasional odd sore and stiff creaky joint which could be more to do with old age (trolol) than arthritis. Now to hit the fatigue on its head and I’ll be back to being unstoppable.

In other news:

  • It’s coming up for one whole year since I ran the marathon. Still blows my mind that I completed the course and didn’t die
  • Went to Sunderland for a lads weekend of football. And survived
  • Enjoyed Blue Planet Live in Glasgow with friends and had the latest night I’ve had in years which was swiftly followed 4 hours later by the earliest morning I’ve had in years for….
  • A flight. I went to Berlin for a week and am still undecided if I liked it or not. Food great. History great (if you like that sort of thing. Unfortunately, I am allergic to WWII and spent most of the trip queasy and sat down trying not to get too sad). Art galleries SUPER GREAT. Going during International Break and Germany playing The Netherlands in Amsterdam and Holland losing 3-2….really not great. Returning my Virgil Van Dyck shirt as we speak
  • I finally came up with the premise of my novel. Now to find the motivation to write it
  • General mood is alternating wildly being one of generally antipathy to life and ‘meh-ness’, a restlessness making me question if this is all my life will ever be, to one so manic I need an elephant strength tranquiliser dart to bring me back down. Unfortunately, the mania seems to come out at work which is probably the place I need to be at my most ‘meh’, much to the irritation of my new colleagues who don’t quite know what to do with me yet
  • I got weighed at the doctors and am now officially overweight. Celebrated this achievement by ordering the world’s largest Chinese takeaway
  • I completed my 2019 reading challenge of 15 books by the first week of April. I really need to find some friends that are people, and not books
  • I’ve been shadowbanned on Instagram which is the absolute epitome of a first world problem but until this is rectified (which it bloody well better be) there is little point in publishing big new blog posts as I can’t publicise them. Which makes me wonder if I should keep the blog going. As my arthritis and general problems get better, I have less to moan write about. Do I keep it going? Do I start posting everything which I’ve been meaning to do and never have? What to do what to do?

So that’s all folks.

It’s Friday. I have a full fun packed weekend of studying ahead of me (don’t be jealous) and if I’m feeling fancy may change from one set of pjs to another.

Hope you all have a lovely pain free weekend and let me know your thoughts on if I should continue with this or not.

Anxiety Anxiety Go Away

It’s not just you.

I don’t know what the title in the graphic means either.

Anyway. Let’s get straight to it.

I usually spend my time at work doing anything that isn’t work related. 25% internet trawling. 25% instagram. 25% messaging people. 25% eating.

But the last few weeks I’ve gone a bit quiet. Both online and in real life.

I feel like I’ve been falling apart. Spiralling out of control. Overwhelmed by simply being alive.

Why the ‘life falling apart’ feeling? Why so overwhelmed?

Why the constant state of anxiety? The panic attacks. The not sleeping. The being so worried that I’m not eating. By choosing not to eat to try and regain some control. The not replying to people for weeks. No real activity online. The calling my Mum at all hours of the day and night crying. The snapping at Jack and being so anxious I don’t want to look him in the eye. The taking time off work to stay home in my dressing gown, watching back to back Real Housewives wondering if I could just stay inside and never have to go in the real world ever again.

It’s a combination of a few things. Some real, some not so real.

Redecorating the flat, 4 rooms at the same time, is apparently quite stressful. Things everywhere. A state of chaos. Workmen coming and going. It unnerves me greatly, the loss of control over my living area. Not knowing where things are. The order of the flat gone. My mind works in such a way that if the bed isn’t made ‘correctly’ in the morning before I go to work, it genuinely makes me anxious. Jack often tries to make the bed and I have to remake it. I know how ridiculous that must sound, a shoddily made bed making me anxious, but it’s true. My flat is my safe orderly space. Everything in the flat has it’s own place and when it’s not there, it just adds to making me feel anxious. I sound like a terrible person to live with. I’m sure if I asked Jack he would say that my sense of order drives him crazy but that equally,living with Monica from Friends does have it’s benefits. Like a well made bed. Last Monday the work was finished in the bedroom. As soon as the wardrobe went back up and my books reappeared I sensed a certain (small) amount of calm returning. The books aren’t back in their ‘right places’ just yet, and the clothes aren’t in correct order yet either (FYI, the front of each piece of clothing has to face the right, and it goes jumpers > long sleeve tops > short sleeve tops, etc. It’s very organised) but it’s getting there. The whole redecorating thing should be finished in a fortnight. Well the first stage anyway.

So why the sudden rush to redecorate? I mean we’ve been in the flat two years and done very little so far. Well our happy block of four flats has changed somewhat. Without going in to detail and upsetting myself,it sets me on edge. I don’t like confrontation, but I mean, who does. Mainly, I can’t cope with confrontation. With people trying to encroach on my safe space, people trying to dictate how we live. People who made me so worried and upset that I made my beautiful little Molly-Cat sleep in the lounge for a few nights so that I didn’t have to spend the night awake, worrying to the point of tears that she would wake them up (I know how stupid this sounds but this is one of their complaints). A cat who, when shut in the study, or even the wardrobe overnight, just settles down and sleeps. But a cat who, when shut in the lounge with food and litter tray and scratching posts and cat beds and blankets cries and cries and cries and cries and cries.

I am wanting desperately to leave the city that I have now spent 10 years and 12 days living in. A city that has never made me happy. A city I was only ever supposed to live in for 4 years. A city that over the last few weeks has left me wondering why I am still here. Seeing most of my friends move away. Longing to be one of them. Trying to work out the master plan to move to Edinburgh. Knowing that if we sell the flat we can buy a house there. Knowing that we don’t want to sell the flat.

My work situation is….interesting right now, and no, not just because I spend my time not doing the work I’m paid to do (this is a slight exaggeration by the way, I do my job and I do it well). On the cusp of needing to find a new job. Interviewing for a new job. Interview going so well the people were arguing over who’s team I would be joining. Waiting for the official offer but knowing that the job would require me to start mid November. Mid November being when my surgery is going to happen. Knowing that I can’t ask to postpone my surgery because I have waited so so long for this that I don’t want to run the risk of going to the back of the queue. Knowing that I’m going to have to explain that I can’t start until New Year and hoping they understand. Knowing that as it stands come New Year I won’t have a job.

A few weeks ago my health took a bit of a negative turn. Lots of doctors appointments, lots of tests, the dreaded C word getting mentioned. A week in limbo waiting for the results. Obsessing over everything in my mind a hundred times a day. Worrying about scenarios that weren’t even real. And then finding out I wasn’t going to die and trying to get my head around the fact that whilst ill, I will be fine, is hard for someone who worries about everything. So. I’m going to live. Hoorah. Cosentyx is still keeping my inflammation at bay, but I hurt, I ache. Fingers hurting and more strangely, the tops of my hands. I don’t know how to explain it other than sore. On the cusp of a flare. My knees are hurting again and whilst I know it’s my own fault for running, it doesn’t make the pain any more acceptable. I struggle to medicate to control my pain levels. Paracetamol doesn’t do anything. OTC cocodamol does little. Pharmacy strength cocodamol helps but leaves me sleepy. Tramadol  makes me high as a kite. I’m also totally the kind of person to get addicted to prescription painkillers. I know this because I know. So I go through the work day with no pain relief. I go through the weekend with no pain relief because I can just mope in the house and suffer with it.

Everything at once. I just want to run away from it all. Curl up in a big ball and just stay under the duvet with only my cat and a good book for company. Is that too much to ask?!

I feel once again my ability to cope with life, in even it’s simplest forms, slipping away. The last time this happened I found myself crying to a GP I’d never met before begging him to put me on anti-depressants. I’m about a week away from going back to see him to ask him to put me on them again.

I can’t be the only person who sometimes get overwhelmed by life can I? I never used to be like this. Not to this extent anyway. Since I got sick I’ve definitely noticed a change in who I am and my coping abilities. Or lack thereof. I’m grateful for the fact that I’m able to talk about this, that I don’t keep it to myself. That my family listen and support me. I’m thankful that there are people in my life, even if just on the periphery, who understand me. I’m fortunate to have a cat who provides me with unlimited headbumps and cuddles.

I’ve always been a lover of lists but to try and cope with all of this my list making has gone in to overdrive. Everything from feed fish to paint lounge wall to wash hair. Things I don’t necessarily need reminded to do (although I did recently just go 5 days without washing my hair trololol) but writing down everything that needs doing helps me to get my head focussed for the day or week ahead. I used to run to help clear my mind but that isn’t something I can do right now. IT SUCKS.

How do you all cope with anxiety? What helps you to refocus and worry a bit less?

I’ll stop waffling on now. It’s not all doom and gloom. I return to my spiritual home of Disney in 4  and bit weeks. My writing is soon to be published in a few big medical journals. I bought the snuggliest teddy bear coat known to man yesterday and It may even take the place of my beloved, but ratty, parka jacket in the ‘you’ll have to prise it off my cold dead body’ stakes. I’ve read the 15 books I planned to in my Goodreads challenge and have now upped it to 23 (Are you on goodreads? If so find me under the username of thenorthgirl ). The weather is cold which means heating and blankets galore, the leaves underfoot are gorgeous and my best friend is coming up from London to stay at the weekend, which means a road trip to visit the new V&A in Dundee.

My promised blog post (which involves ya gal on film) is delayed for a few days until I get my shit together and am able to do it justice, so I’m gonna stop making promised on when blog posts get published cos I clearly can’t keep them! Unless I start writing it down in my to-do list….

I’m not slow, I have arthritis.

I do this every time. I say I’ll go back to blogging more regularly, and then weeks, months, a millennia pass and still, no new blog posts.

So. What’s been going on?

Lots! But where do I begin? Logic says starts at the beginning but that’s easier said than done! I’ll break it down in to sections.

Running

I returned to mass participation running!

First up, The Great Aberdeen Run 10k.

Aberdeen is not a city suited for a great run. It’s no Edinburgh or Glasgow that’s for sure. There is little more disheartening than running in the rain through Aberdeen harbour. If you know Aberdeen then you’ll know the harbour, like most I suppose, is hardly picturesque. Crowds were non-existent away from Union Street and I didn’t know how grim it would be to run through the Mounthooly underpass. Turns out. Very.

 

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Anyway I digress. I ran (kind of) a 10k and I didn’t die. My left knee started to hurt at 3k and I blistered pretty badly on a foot, but I did it. Yay. And I beat my verrrry slow target time by 3 minutes so every cloud.

This followed a fortnight later by The Great North Run.

I love the Great North Run. Geordie blood running through my veins, you’re hard pressed to find a better crowd.

I’ve never eaten so well during a run. The usual suspects, jelly babies and haribo, featured heavily. But I also enjoyed 6 ice poles (ice pops? I don’t know), a strawberry split, biscuits, handfuls of celebrations and lots of grapes. I may be the only person to finish a run heavier than they started.

The Great North Run was the first race that I completed after my diagnosis. I had hoped then to make a decent time but I failed. So this race I was adamant I was going to not only better that previous time, but I was going to make the target time!

Turns out not only did I not make my target time…I was actually 5 minutes slower than the initial time I was so upset with! But hey that’s life! That’ll teach me to set targets for races that I haven’t trained for!

Body felt battered and bruised but 8 days later and I’m pretty much back to normal. My knee was heavily strapped and held out and I was a bit sore muscle wise but that’s because compared to my old self I’m terribly unfit.

Where to from here?

As a Great Run member, I already have a place for next year’s Great North Run, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll train for this one and actually make the target time I’ve never managed to achieve broken bodied. I’ll find out in a few weeks if I’ve gotten a place for next year’s London marathon. I’m hoping as well to take on my first ever cycling event, Ride London next year. I feel like my ability to continue running is coming to end. Whilst I can talk about not wanting to beat times and how I’m grateful just for the opportunity to run, I’m starting to realise I miss the old Runner Rebecca. I’m not her anymore. I’m never going to make the 110 minute half marathon mark I was working so hard towards. And maybe I’m finally ok with this, with running less and less, to the point where it becomes something I used to do. I know I have a few more half marathons left in me, and one more full marathon, and after that….maybe I’ll be done.

 

Health

I guess the biggest thing to have happened over the last few weeks is that I got the green light for my toe straightening surgery!!!!

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I went in to the appointment expecting it to be just the one toe but my amazing consultant gave the green light to have all three toes done! So two on the left foot, one on the right. I’ve never been under general anesthetic before so I’m sure in the days leading up to it I’ll be my usual dramatic self, fearing the worst! The good news is that the operation (mid November) falls after my next holiday to France. The bad news is that it falls just a few weeks before my trip to The Netherlands, so I’m looking forward to experiencing Holland for the first time in a wheelchair! I know that may sound a bit OTT but I’m not sure how well I’m gonna shuffle on crutches with both feet out of action. Jack is less keen for this idea but we both know that there is no better place for me to be ‘disabled’ then The NL.  Am I looking forward to 6-8 weeks off of work recovering? YOU BET I AM!! So many people saying to me that I’ll get bored etc etc, these people don’t know me at all. I have so many projects and tasks I can do in this time off. Which translates as will spend all day watching Real Housewives from the sofa under a blanket with the cat for company and regretting nothing.

Toes aside, I’ve been in and out of the doctors a few times over the last few weeks because cosentyx has been giving me a few tummy problems I can’t shift (we’re all friends here). My first lot of test results came back fine last week, just waiting for the second lot. We’re hoping it’s just regular IBS induced by my medication but getting tested for a million and one things just in case. Trying to remember to take my new tablets 20 minutes before meals but as a constant snacker this is easier said than done.

Mental health has been a wee bit up and down. Anxiety and panic attacks a plenty due to life feeling a bit out of control right now. But it’ll pass. I hope. Unsure right now if I need to go back on anti-depressants to try and enable me to cope again, but not feeling depressed. Is that a thing? If I go to my GP will he think that’s doable? I don’t know.

 

General Life

After two years of owning the flat, renovations are finally well under way. House is in a state of chaos but hopefully in 4 weeks the bulk of it will be done. Trying to work out what to do with it once we’re done. I can’t live here for much longer (read above re panic attacks. Unfortunately they’re flat related) but I also don’t want to sell it because I’m kind hoping to rent it out and sell it in 30 years and retire comfortably on it. But that big family home in Edinburgh aint gonna buy itself. If anybody wants to give me the money/has a house to give me (preferably in Morningside, thanks), PLEASE DO.

I’ve returned to my Open Uni studies with the hope of finally getting that PPE degree that has eluded me for so long.

I spent a lovely few days in Glasgow with my Mum and Sister to see the absolute legend that is Britney Spears, and Rachel met my sister-in-law Elizabeth and it filled my heart with joy.

I enjoyed an amazing night at the theater to see Jersey Boys (if you’ve not seen it you absolutely must) and also had a great night at the Craig Charles Funk and Soul show. The last time I attended I had only developed arthritis about 4 weeks beforehand and struggled with standing and dancing. This time? I danced so much I got so hot and sweaty you could literally wring my hair out. It was a brilliant evening and one I never thought I’d be able to enjoy with arthritis.

And that folks is that…..for now.

My next blog post will be coming this week (like buses, I know, I know) and is a very exciting one involving this girl on film.

In the meantime, send me all your wisdom for coping with anxiety but also for toe straightening surgery and what to expect post-op!

MIA. My Self Esteem.

 

Self-esteem

[self-i-steem-]

Noun

  1. A realistic respect for or favourable impression of oneself; self-respect.

Has anybody seen my self-esteem?

Last seen around July 2016.

Belonged to a girl about 5’6”, size 8, usually wearing a cute dress, full fringe, lashings of black eyeliner and generally happy looking.

No?

No, I’ve not seen her either. She’s been missing for a while now.

When self-esteem disappears, where does it go? Is it gradual? Or is it there one day and gone the next?

I can pinpoint why mine started to disappeared. It went when my toes started to deform. When toes are bent due to dactylitis, like mine are, shoes don’t fit. Initially I could still wear a variety of flat shoes and boots. Loafers, sneakers, pretty pumps, these kinds of things. Shoes that I would happily wear with dresses. But as my toes started to become worse, I could no longer wear these shoes. A brand-new pair of Adidas Gazelles, bought in April 2016, didn’t fit by the June. My beloved and battered Fred Perry pumps were so tight on my new feet they would bring me to tears. I had no choice but to buy skechers. A brand and a shoe type I wouldn’t have given a second thought about before. But now they were the only thing that would fit (aside from my running trainers, but I was far too much of an emotional wreck initially to wear anything that reminded me of running). So, with black flat chunky skechers, suddenly my style changed.

My vast array of dresses got put to the back of the wardrobe. Why? Because not only was it easier and less painful to wear trousers and not tights (I live in NE Scotland after all, bare legs are for the foolish), I simply didn’t have any shoes to wear with them. Everything I wore suddenly revolved around the same, elasticated pair of black trousers, which I am still wearing today. Shirts for work, sweaters for home. Repeat until the end of time. My style of dress, which I so closely associated with my sense of femininity changed overnight.

All of my shoes and boots that didn’t fit got put in to the attic. I.e., every singly pair. If I couldn’t see them, they couldn’t make me cry. I have on many occasions walked in to a shop and gone to try shoes on. Believing that one pair will fit. Maybe a wide fit pair of pretty ballerinas? A pair of sandals for holiday? The answer every time is no. I have cried in shops more times than I care to admit to. So truly upset that not only do shoes not fit, that the majority of people would have no idea why. That when I say to people how upsetting it is, that they think I’m being petty.

But it wasn’t just how I dressed that changed. My style generally became more relaxed. And with that, so did my approach to personal care. I no longer wore my contact lenses, opting instead to wear my glasses because it meant that I didn’t have to bother wearing make-up and could just hide behind them. I stopped having my fringe cut in, choosing instead just to scrape my hair back every day. All of this coupled with a two-stone weight gain has led me to barely recognising myself anymore. The irony being that I had higher self esteem when I was covered head to toe in psoriasis.

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Same person but two very different people. Just 2 and a bit years apart, but worlds apart. (*must not cry looking at photo 1*)

Why should I make an effort? I wasn’t worth any effort. I’m still not sure how much of me is worth an effort.

Put simply.

My self-esteem became pretty darn low.

But why has my physical appearance had such an impact on my all-round self-esteem? Is it really a reason why I retreat further and further in to my shell with each passing month?

Why is my self-esteem so closely linked to how I look? If I had never had arthritis would I have continued to care for my appearance and I would have still had great self-esteem? Is it as easy as that?

I have my fair share of faults and flaws but I like to think as a person I’m pretty ok. I’m kind (although don’t tell anybody this, I have a reputation to uphold), I’m fairly affable and I like to think I’m the funniest person most people will ever meet.

Yet when I think of my own self-esteem I don’t think of these things, I see only what I perceive as negatives. Shy, reserved, fewer friends than I have unbent toes, a constant feeling of being left behind in life which surely must be my fault. Never feeling good enough, always feeling a burden. One of the biggest problems for me is a constant need for reassurance. I can never do things right. I spend most of my time locked away in my flat, not having the confidence to do anything. On a Monday morning, work colleagues no longer ask what I did at the weekend because they already know the answer.

One of my most favourite people in the entire world has a cripplingly low self-esteem. I have tried on many occasions to tell him that I think he is awesome, but I know it’s not as easy as that. And if it was, why can I not listen to my own advice? Why can we never see ourselves through someone elses eyes?

I have a postcard at home (which will eventually be framed, probably when I get round to it in 45 years time) that says “Love yourself as your cat loves you” and this should be my new mantra because Mo adores me. She loves me when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I haven’t washed my hair for 5 days, when I’m anxious and well, she loves me no matter what. Apart from when I refuse to give her an extra serving of dreamies.

The internet is awash with people advocating ‘self-care’ but how effective is self-care when self-esteem is so low? Especially when self-care varies so much from person to person. The internet is also a reason why people, and probably myself included to some extent, have such issues. I spend a good 90% of my time at work aimlessly scrolling through Instagram, seeing everybody else’s great lives, but we all know of course that this is merely what the person wants you to see.

I have no real conclusion to this entry. It’s still something that I am trying to get my head around. My arthritis has changed so much for me physically and it continues to change me as a person. It continues to challenge who I think I am, to question my own self-worth and happiness, it continues to push me to my limits. Even now, 7 months in to cosentyx, 7 months of living an almost ‘normal’ physical existence, why does my arthritis continue to have such a hold on me?

Please somebody else with chronic illness tell me that this will get better? Or if it doesn’t, please tell me I will be ok.

When did life become so difficult?

But, as always, it’s not all doom and gloom.

I am due, at some point in the future, to have the surgery to straighten my toes. But of the three toes that I desperately need doing, I have so far only been approved for surgery on the one. I am forever hopeful that my surgeon will give the green light to have all of them done at the same time. I won’t know until my final consultation if the operation will allow or prevent me from wearing heels ever again. But I’m honestly ok with not. I wasn’t a prolific wearer of them pre-arthritis, and really, I just want to wear some pretty flats. I never want to wear those black skechers to a wedding (least of all my own) ever again.

In fact, the first thing I’ll do post-surgery?

Burn the shoes.

Who am I? What’s my name?

It’s been quite a while since I last updated my blog.

In my last entry I wrote about my ongoing struggle to overcome bouts of severe depression caused by the sudden onset of my arthritis.

Since then a lot has changed.

I started self-injecting 150mg of cosentyx. I had intentions of blogging weekly, providing updates of how I was getting on. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Why? I was scared.

Allow me to explain.

My first cosentyx injection was a success. I successfully self-administered which is a big deal for someone who previously had such a phobia of needles and injections that even just thinking about a needle would cause me to feel dizzy and sick. I was, as expected, quite lethargic for the first few days afterwards, but I felt pretty ok.

It was just 3 days later that I first noticed a difference. The psoriasis on my forehead had pretty much completely disappeared. I thought I was imagining it, maybe I was seeing a clear forehead because I wanted to. A couple days passed and I realised my scalp psoriasis, which was chronic for 14 years, had cleared by about half. But still, I was too scared to say anything. What if it didn’t last? What if it was a temporary effect? What if this was a false sense of security, and it was going to flare up even worse? I didn’t want to tempt fate.

But then my Mum commented on how clear my face was. My boyfriend whispered in hush tones that my scalp was clear, also scared to jinx it. A clear arm followed. A leg. The other arm. The other leg. Within about 2 weeks I was completely psoriasis free.

Just let that sink in.

COMPLETELY.

PSORIASIS.

FREE.

But still, I was too scared to share this. For the first time in my entire adult life I could wash my hair like a normal person. I was no longer scratching an arm until it bled. No longer leaving a trail of flakes behind me.

It was quite frankly, overwhelming.

My body started to improve too. I wasn’t stiff. I could walk with ease. Heck, I could even jog if I wanted to. My right hand started to return to normal and I was able to shake work colleague’s hands in the run up to Christmas because for the first time in a long time, the pain of a hand shake didn’t bring me to tears. I could hold a pen and write in handwriting that almost looked like my own again. Sure, I was still pretty tired and perpetually full of cold, but you pick your battles.

I knew I’d been pretty quiet about my experience when my boyfriend asked me why I hadn’t blogged about it.

And now for the next conundrum.

I, for the second time in two years, no longer knew who I was.

I was going through an identity crisis. Again.

I knew who I was before I developed arthritis. I was a runner. I was an avid life lover. I loved to dance. I loved to travel, to do ‘stuff’. I struggled, for a very long time, to work out who I was with arthritis. I was no longer bubbly, cheery, no longer able to wear the same clothes or shoes, no longer able to run, to go out, to do anything I wanted. I withdrew, I no longer made an effort with my appearance, I gave up. I learnt about the spoonie community and wholeheartedly threw myself in to it on Instagram. I started to establish who this new Rebecca was. She was still there, just slower.

And just when I started to work out who I was, I changed again.

I have deleted pretty much all of the photos I shared on Instagram to do with my health. I started to dress a little more like my old self. I’m taking better care of myself. I had a haircut. I’m back at the gym. I’m training for the marathon. Yes, you did read that correctly. Training for a marathon. I distanced myself from the spoonie community. Thinking this would help me to feel ‘normal’. But even updating my blog doesn’t feel like the right thing to do and I don’t know why. I still have my arthritis, it’s just hidden right now.

It’s something doctors never tell you, is it? Identity crisis caused by a chronic illness. I knew I was feeling grief for my old life, but I never realised just how much I as a person had changed. How little I knew myself.

I sound really ungrateful for the cosentyx, and I’m not, not at all. It’s giving me a second shot at life. It’s just overwhelming. I’d almost finally come to terms with life in the slow lane, and suddenly, everything changes again. No wonder I’m exhausted.

So where do I go from here? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Answers on a postcard please.

 

 

The Hardest Thing I’ve Ever Written

When I write and publish a blog post, I am often praised for being open, honest and brave. From friends who text me to complete strangers who reach out to me, the support I receive after each post always features those words. I have often found this hard to understand, because for me, I am merely being myself and I don’t see myself as any of those things because I’ll talk about and share anything!

Nothing feels off topic. There isn’t anything that I wouldn’t talk about. What I write about in my blog about my struggles with my arthritis are exactly the same conversations I have with the people in my life on a day to day basis. I am a total open book.

Or am I?

Because there has been one topic that I haven’t yet tackled. One issue that I have struggled to tell anybody about at work (just two people know). Something that only a handful of people closest to me in my life know about (just the seven people). And why is this? Because I haven’t been open enough. I haven’t been honest enough. And I certainly haven’t been brave enough. Until now.

We live in a society now where we are encouraged to talk about mental health. We all have mental health, both good and bad. But we still live in a world where it takes a lot to stick your head above the parapet and say “Hey, I’m struggling”. But I’m big enough and old enough and ugly enough to be that person.

So here we go.

My name is Rebecca, and today I had my 6 month review of my first ever course of anti-depressants.

There. I said it. It’s out there. Do I feel better for it? I don’t know.

I should start by saying that I don’t need to make this blog post and I don’t even need to share with you all what’s been going on. But I am going to because I do have the strength of character to share and to put myself out there and because I know there will be a lot of you reading this who have been going through the exact same thing and have maybe felt alone and maybe even a sense of shame about it. But also because writing has been my form of therapy and saying all of this ‘out loud’ allows me to accept it, embrace it and crucially, move on.

So. How did this come about I hear you cry?

Well as anybody with a chronic illness can attest to, waking up one day sick, and realising that you will never, ever EVER get better is quite a hard thing to take in and to accept. And I neither took it in or accepted it.

The first few months after my diagnosis were not easy. I was upset, tired, confused and scared of what the future would bring. Who wouldn’t be! I could barely walk and I had never in my entire life felt pain like it. So I got signed off work by my doctor for a fortnight and it was the best decision I ever made. It gave me time to research psoriatic arthritis, to rest, to sleep, and even to see some of my friends all of which perked me right up. The anti-inflammatories I was prescribed started to kick in, I was walking again, heck, I even ran and entire half marathon!

I started on methotrexate the week after the half marathon in mid September. I had such high expectations! It should help your joints and clear your skin I was positively told by every medical professional I met! Life will go back to normal!!

Only it didn’t. The methotrexate didn’t work. My skin became worse. More joints became inflamed at an alarming speed. The dosage was increased. Still nothing happened. The pain became unbearable. The higher my dosages went, the worse my fatigue became. I would take the methotrexate on a Friday and literally spend the entire weekend in bed. Either asleep, or crying. I couldn’t be trusted to drive when I was this fatigued. I couldn’t go out of an evening because I literally couldn’t do it.

By the November I became withdrawn, quiet and a shadow of my former self. I didn’t want to talk to my boyfriend so what little conversation we managed was mainly me moaning, crying or shouting at him. We had just purchased our first home together, were living with each other for the first time in our 5 year relationship and the poor boy had just had a pacemaker fitted, he really didn’t need to have to deal with Moaning Myrtle too. Sorry Jack.

Christmas was a DISASTER. I spent the entirety of Christmas day in floods of tears. I refused to speak with Jack on the phone. Sorry Jack. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t speak, I just wanted to cry. I hurt, I hated my life and I hated everybody in it. I was due to travel to see Jack and his family on Boxing Day and I refused to go down. Sorry Jacks family. I wanted to just stay locked away in my room with my cat and never see the world again.

New Year came around, and my methotrexate dosage increased not once, but twice. I was now at rock bottom. My fatigue was now so severe that I couldn’t work on a Monday morning because I was still recovering from the Friday night. How life can change! I used to spend weekends recovering from wild nights out, a wild night out now consists of going to bed past 9pm!

April came and I didn’t recognise myself anymore. Not in any way. I didn’t wear make up, I barely brushed my hair, I took no effort in my appearance at all. I didn’t speak at work, I didn’t smile, I stopped laughing. My arthritis was not only any better on the methotrexate it was getting worse and worse and worse. As was I on a personal level. I was at rock bottom  And so, one Saturday on a shopping trip with my Mum, I said the words “I think I may be sad and I think I need some help”

Over a cup of tea.

In Greggs.

GREGGGGGGS.

For Gods sake why couldn’t it have been somewhere classier? Literally my one and only time in a Greggs and it had to be the setting for the most important conversation of my life.

Anyway I digress. My Mums response was “Yes, you are”. So I told her I was going to go to the doctors and she reassured me I was doing the right thing. I told boyfriend the exact same thing, he had the same response as my Mum. I clearly surround myself with very similar people.

So off to the doctors I went. Jack kindly and selflessly left work early and accompanied me to my appointment. Only to be left in the waiting room by himself because I decided to go in alone. Sorry again Jack, nothing personal.

“I’m not depressed. I’m just struggling to cope with this situation. With my body. Struggling to cope with life right now. I just need a boost to get me back to who I was and then I’ll be ok”

And that was it. 20mg of fluoxetine a day for 6 months and you’ll be back to your normal fabulous self. Within two weeks my appetite had completely disappeared and I suffered my first of a serious of crippling panic attacks. Side effects clearly listed in the 10 foot of leaflet but scary nonetheless. Appetite quickly came back. *Sigh*.

But then I also started to come back.

A hairbrush here. Some nail polish there. I came off the methotrexate in July and my energy increased. I started to cope with normal, everyday situations better. I was no longer a crying mess unable to cope with even the simplest tasks. I started to come out of my shell again at work. I started to talk to Jack again. He possibly preferred me when I had less to say. Sorry Jack. You just can’t win. I wasn’t unnaturally happy (heaven forbid) but I was normal. As normal as I could ever be.

So now I feel almost strong enough to take on the world again. As my arthritis continues to cause me new pains and new problems, it isn’t to say I won’t have the odd wobbly moment, but I know I can cope. If not cope perfectly, but cope better. When asked today how long I’ve been told to wait before my new medication, cosentyx works, my response was “how long is a piece of string” so I’m going to stay on the pills until Christmas to get me over the first few weeks of self-injecting cosentyx (coming to another blog post to you soon) and to see how my body responds, I think that’s the best thing for me.

So if you’re reading this and you feel a little less alone, feel a little bit like you’re not the only one who has these feelings, that you’re not the only person going through it or a little bit closer to admitting to yourself or others that you need a bit of a pick me up then I’ll know that finding the strength to put myself out there has been worth it.

It’s ok to not be ok

Hey everyone, hope you’re all getting on ok. I’m about to have my third piece published on The Mighty! I don’t think it will be on the website for a few more days, but here it is below for you. I’m sure that a lot of you can relate, would love to hear your thoughts on it.

 

It’s ok to not be ok.

How are you today?

Ok? Alright? Fine?

But what if you’re not ok today? Would you feel as comfortable replying to that question with “actually, I’m pretty down today, I had a terrible night’s sleep filled with pain and I’m on the verge of tears?” Probably not.

I’m guilty of simply replying ‘alright’ every time I’m asked how I am. On a day with good mobility, minimal pain and with a high level of energy? I’m alright thanks! On a day where I can’t walk very well because of my psoriatic arthritis and my ankle has become so swollen so quickly I’ve had to cut the bottom off my trouser leg so that it fits? I’m alright thanks!

Those of us with chronic illness often think that we must be strong all the time, that we need to show the world a brave face, to make people believe that everything is ok with us. It’s easier that way. It saves us from having to answer questions about what is wrong with us. It saves us from having to explain for the 100th time what we’ve been diagnosed with. It saves us the blank stares from people who don’t quite understand what’s wrong with us and who think fatigue is the same as being tired from a lack of sleep. Saying that we’re ok is the easy option. But it’s exhausting having to keep up the act. We’re all exhausted enough as it is without having to pretend that everything is ok.

Here’s the thing. It is ok to not be ok all the time.

I shouldn’t feel guilty for hurting and for being in pain. I shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling a little bit low sometimes. I shouldn’t expect to be ok all time. And neither should you.

There is no shame in admitting that things are hard. There is no shame in asking for help. There is no shame in not managing to go somewhere or managing to do something. It’s even ok to sometimes feel that life is falling apart. A chronic illness is life changing. It took me a very long time to come to terms with this, and truthfully, it’s still a battle. For every one good day I might have where I feel super happy and confident about my life and my future, I have two other days where life feels a struggle and I am fearful for where my life and my body might be heading. But it’s ok to feel like that.

I have also developed what I like to called chronic illness anxiety. It’s a condition that I have totally made up but one that I’m sure lots of us can relate to. It’s the anxiety caused when thinking about how your chronic illness will impact upon a certain activity or social situation. Before my diagnosis I wasn’t a particularly anxious person. Sure, I had the odd worry like everyone else, but I enjoyed a generally anxiety free life. Now? I suffer from chronic illness anxiety, caused by my crippling arthritis most days, especially on bad days or during a flare. It’s often the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night. From trying to work out how many hours I can manage at work based on how good a sleep I managed the night before, to trying to establish if I should go out with friends on medication day or if I’m better off staying at home to rest up and sleep it off. Everything seems to worry me. But it’s also ok to feel overwhelmed by it all. I have two diaries. One for general day to day activities and one purely to keep on top of my medical appointments. I don’t know if I’m coming or going most days. Blood tests. Consultant appointments. Physiotherapy. Podiatry. Doctors appointment. More blood tests. Not to mention trying to keep on top of taking all my numerous medications at the correct dosages. But it’s ok if it takes a while to get your head around everything that is going on. It’s ok if things seem overwhelming. It’s ok to have the odd worry here and there.

On my down days, I often wonder why I occasionally feel as low as I do. I feel guilty for not feeling ok and for feeling a little bit sorry for myself. I forget that I am ok to feel like this sometimes. My body has drastically changed and with it, my entire life. I like to think of these low moments as ‘situational sadness’. I feel this way because of what is happening to my body and what it is putting my mind through. I feel this way because one year since I developed arthritis, I’m still trying to come to terms with my new body and my new life. I am sad and a little bit low sometimes because of the situation that I find myself in right now. I don’t know for how long I’ll feel like this, but what I do know, is I’m ok to feel this way. It won’t last forever. I will be ok.

So, the next time I’m asked how I am, I’m still going to reply ‘I’m alright’, because I am. I’m alright.